Dr. Ray Guarendi, clincal psychologist, author, speaker, radio host, and family advocate

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From the Mouths of Babes

Perhaps more revealing than the judgments of teachers or a psychologist are the judgments of children. Kids, especially adolescents, can be the toughest graders we parents face. Children aren't content just to live with us; they also scrutinize us, spotting weaknesses and probing for inconsistencies. How else can they stay several steps ahead of us?

The children of these parents, like all children, feel they know their folks better than anyone does. A few below-average grades were given, but on the overwhelming whole, the kids were convinced that their parents are as good as others say, sometimes more so. When asked, "If 10 is perfect, how would you rate your parents on a 1-to-10-point scale?" the kids offered some thoughtful observations, not only about their parents, but about parenting in general:

"I would have to give mom and dad an 8 if 10 were perfect. They are not perfect. A lot of times when the perfect thing to do would have been to say, 'No, we can't afford it,' they would say, 'We'll see if there isn't some way we can work it out.' There were times when I probably needed my bottom spanked and they gave me a break. There were times when they really had work to do and they took time to play with me. They are not perfect, but then perfect people do not need love. It is their imperfections that make them special, that make them my parents. They are close enough to perfect for me."
"My parents are now at a 9+. As our family matured, they also matured, acquiring more wisdom about parenting. I rate them at a 9+ because they seem more human now, with all of the frailties and imperfections that go along with being human. It is so much easier to relate to people who are less than perfect and, because of their imperfections, they are more perfect parents."
"A 9. Nobody's perfect, and they have particular faults, but each in their own way shines. I had to learn from other adults that one does not automatically become mature at twenty-one."
"I think I would rate my parents a 9. I'm too logical to go for the full 10 even though they come pretty close. I would never say my parents were without fault or that they didn't make mistakes. They admitted they were wrong on more than one occasion, but I loved them all the more for not being perfect. They allowed us to exceed some of the goals they had reached. They let us know that making mistakes was just evidence that we had actually tried to do something.""My parents would rate an 8. The primary reason they don't achieve a 10 is because they taught me too well, too quickly, and too thoroughly. I am only seventeen, yet I feel as though I have gained all that I can from my parents and I must gain the rest from experiencing life."

"When growing up, I felt that my parents were so different. Now I realize that it is everyone else who is different. Things that seemed important to our society—materialism, greed, social competition—seemed silly to them. Since entering college, I've realized how in touch with reality my parents truly are."

A few of the kids refused to be bound by a 10-point scale. Said twelve-year-old Jamie from Utah, "I would put my parents at a 12. They are understanding, have a sense of humor, are very fun to be with, and they love us so much. For instance, when all my friends stay out, my parents say no because they don't want us to risk ourselves getting hurt." Now either Jamie hasn't hit adolescence yet, or he's softening up the folks for his request for a Porsche.

Other children judge parents solely on effort. Nineteen-year-old Christy and twenty-one-year-old Sean said, "We would give them a 10 for effort. They have made mistakes, but they have really tried." Christy and Sean both recognize that great parenting begins with the willingness to really try.

Then there are those assessments that cut right to the quick with insights that only kids can produce. Ten-year-old Molly carefully weighed her feelings before being too complimentary: "8. I like them sometimes." Ten-year-old Tom from Illinois had a specific reason for his less-than-perfect rating of 8.5. "They send me to my room." On the other hand, twelve-year-old Brian from Kansas gave his folks a perfect 10 because, "They are nice, but mean when we do something wrong." In simple words, Brian captured the essence of parenthood: unconditional love coupled with the will to discipline. Travis, a junk-food-loving twelve-year-old from Montana, linked-his performance rating to his mother's willingness to indulge his sweet tooth. "A 9. She doesn't buy enough ice cream." Ah, if only it were so simple to raise our status in our kids' eyes just by buying a few more quarts of chocolate-chip ice cream.

The older children can get pretty particular when judging our strengths and weaknesses. Said sixteen-year-old Cindy, "At first I was going to give them a 9. Then I thought, no, their curfews are a little tight: 8." And admitted twenty-one-year-old David, "They're pretty good, probably the best I've seen, but they still have a couple of rough spots. Overall a 9.00. I've been watching the Olympics."

Then, too, some kids aren't afraid to judge parents on the basis of our results. "I think that how good parents are really depends upon how good their kids turn out to be kids. They did pretty well here, I think," seventeen-year-old Craig asserted. Mike, aged nineteen, couldn't resist taking a little credit for his parents' success, "No doubt, they're a 10. I couldn't have asked for better ones. I trained them pretty well, didn't I?" The last word on quality comes from twenty-one-year-old Alex, the youngest of six children, three natural and three adopted. "An 8. They did a pretty good job. I can't complain, but no parents are perfect. If they were, we would never move out of the house." Judging by how long some kids hang around, their parents must be pushing 9.999.

One conclusion was clear from the kids' ratings: They were their folks' number-one supporters. Even though all the youngsters weren't as eloquent or witty as those above, they generally expressed similar respect and warmth.