Delegating Authority
Or "Wait until your father gets home. "

The cornerstone of successful counseling with children and adolescents is the forming of an open, trusting relationship. In whatever way possible, I try to show the kids I value them as persons. But every so often my therapeutic relationship gets used untherapeutically. That is, a well-meaning parent will try to curtail his youngster's misconduct by promising to "tell Dr. Ray" all about it during the next visit. This is done in the hope that the child, who supposedly desires to stay in my good graces, will thereby be motivated to straighten his course. Aside from not having the braking effect the parent desires, such promises cast me in the unwanted role of the "heavy." They also do little to enhance the parent's own authority.

Similar dynamics underlie the old discipline line, "Wait till your father gets home." Of course, as traditional parenting roles overlap, more kids are probably being confronted with "Wait till I tell your mother." Such lines warn of stern measures yet to be meted out by a parent who wasn't even present when the crime transpired. They set the other parent up to do the dirty work without firsthand knowledge of what actually happened. He or she literally walks in and has to discipline.

Certainly, you will want to discuss many incidents with your spouse before taking action. Maybe little Felina ate the cat's food again, and you'd like two heads to converge in solving this distasteful dilemma. Much of the time, however, misconduct is the stuff of day-to-day parenting and can be handled on the spot by the parent present. It doesn't require waiting for the absentee parent to serve as the enforcer.

Regularly deferring action to your spouse gives your youngster the impression that you lack confidence in your own judgment and authority. And ultimately, this will tempt him to challenge you more, especially in the absence of your enforcer. When you leave your discipline to another, you may escape appearing the meanie for a little while, but you will soon find yourself battling the urge to be mean as you are pushed more and harder.

One other point to consider before you delegate your authority. Delegation encourages "credit-card behavior"―that is, "act now, pay later." Anyone who uses a credit card knows that purchasing something gets easier the farther away the payment. Would your long-distance calls last as long if you had to pay for each minute as you talked? Similarly, kids are much more willing to shop for trouble now if the price of their spree comes later today or maybe even tomorrow, when the bill collector comes home.

You work too hard at maintaining your authority to give it away. Authority is best shared equally with your spouse. But delegation is not equal sharing; it is unequal and unfair sharing. Deal with what behavior you can when it occurs. And share your discipline when you deem it necessary. Your credibility with your child will rise, and your use of your authority will decline.

You’re a Better Parent Than You Think! Pages 150-151
Copyright © 1985 by Prentice-Hall, Inc.
Fireside Edition 1992