Express Yourself

Dear Dr. Ray,

If my son tells me one more time, “You just like things your way,” whenever I say “No,” I’ll scream. I’ve let it go on because I’ve always felt he was expressing his feelings, but this is getting old.

Feeling Battered

A child-rearing notion that badly undercuts parents today says that, in the name of psychological correctness, we should allow children nearly unlimited license to express themselves. Much of what rightly was considered disrespect is now protected behind the shield of “venting feelings.” Consequently, many parents fear squelching Miranda’s opinions, however meanly meant and said, lest she become an emotionally pent-up, unhappy child. So erring on the safe side, they allow much that their head and guts tell the is pretty insulting stuff.

Certainly kids have a right to talk and be heard. But that right ends where disrespect and nastiness begin. For many parents the real struggle is where to draw the line separating positive openness from negative intent. A general suggestion: Feelings that are expressed with regard for others’ feelings are allowed; those that batter another’s feelings are not.

Many parents choose to ignore the standard kid gripes: “You don’t like me,” “I don’t like you,” “You like Harmony better,” “You hate me,” “You’re unfair,” “You’re mean,” “You’re old-fashioned,” “You’re a parent” (I threw this one in because it’s often what they’re saying). Most of us will tolerate kid commentary of this ilk if it doesn’t get too obstinate or repetitive. In other words, we don’t like it, but we’ll put up with it if they don’t push too hard.

For you the repeated hammering is what’s wearing. And your son probably knows or at least senses this. I sense that you want to stop him but believe it is beyond your parental discretion to stifle his freedom of speech.

In reality your son’s First Amendment rights, like grown-ups’, aren’t limitless. He has gone beyond an occasional burst of opinion to a chronic insult. “You just like things your way” is ludicrous, but even a mildly irritating sentiment can become abusive if said with enough force or repetition.

An old propaganda adage says, “Repeat a lie often enough, and people will come to believe it.” Your son is repeating a lie. Rather than getting his anger off his chest, he may be reinforcing in his mind what he says.

Follow your instincts. If you don’t like this barrage, if you think it’s offensive, stop it. You’re allowed. Honest.

“Good Discipline, Great Teens” Pages 85-87
Copyright 2007, Ray Guarendi
Servant Books